Chaos and Control Read online

  Table of Contents

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Discover more New Adult titles from Entangled Embrace… Absolved

  Talk British to Me

  No Falling Allowed

  Definitely, Maybe in Love

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2017 by Season Vining. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce, distribute, or transmit in any form or by any means. For information regarding subsidiary rights, please contact the Publisher.

  Entangled Publishing, LLC

  2614 South Timberline Road

  Suite 105, PMB 159

  Fort Collins, CO 80525

  Visit our website at www.entangledpublishing.com.

  Embrace is an imprint of Entangled Publishing, LLC.

  Edited by Stacy Abrams and Alexa May

  Cover design by Fiona Jayde

  Cover art from Shutterstock and iStock

  ISBN 978-1-64063-137-3

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  First Edition July 2017

  Dedicated to Jack

  He gives freely, loves fiercely, and provides the best cuddle nook.

  Chapter One

  Tupelo Honey

  I am Dorothy, yanked from that Technicolor land and dropped back in the middle of Kansas. Two highways intersect. With stop signs stolen and missing, it’s the most danger this county has to offer. The old pickup truck pulls over, the crunch of gravel announcing its leave of the road.

  “This is as far as I can take you, sweetheart. I’m headed west.” The man whose face looks like worn leather gives me a smile. It’s the most genuine thing I’ve seen in days. “Only a few miles to town,” he finishes, crooked fingers pointing straight ahead.

  “Thanks. I remember. And if anyone asks, you never saw me.”

  “Darlin’, I’m at the age where no one asks me anything anymore.”

  I grab my bag and slide from the bench seat. He offers a wave through the back glass, turns left, and disappears. I stretch my hands above my head before bending over and hooking my fingers under the toes of my boots. The pull and stretch of dormant muscles summons a tingling feeling to my numb ass.

  A breeze flies past, bringing that familiar Midwest perfume: wheat and cattle. It carries memories and feelings I’m not yet willing to process. I step to the middle of the intersection and spread my arms like a bird about to take flight. The wind whips around me while the sun warms my shoulders. My yellow brick road is black asphalt, but it holds the same promise. Good or bad, there’s no place like home.

  When I get to town, I find a bench in the shade and take a seat in front of Doorman’s Drugstore. It’s so annoying how every business in this town is named after its owner. I guess it’s supposed to be endearing. Doorman’s Drugstore, Boone’s Grocery, Millie’s Diner, Tiny’s Used Car Lot—they all conform to the Small Town, USA demands of sameness and predictability. Crowley never changes, stagnant like an old sitcom’s Main Street.

  I pull a bottle of water from my bag and suck the thing dry. Heavy hitting bass and guitar riffs continue to race my pulse as I cool down. There aren’t many people out and about. It’s late afternoon, so the old ladies are home watching their soaps, the men are away at work, and the housewives are fighting toddlers for nap time.

  A middle-aged woman passes by. She does a double take before clutching her purse closer. I want to laugh at her “stranger danger” assumption. I can pinpoint the exact moment she recognizes me: the grip on her purse loosens, and she stops on the sidewalk. I ignore her leering, throw away my empty water bottle, and get moving. Word spreads fast around this town, and I want to surprise Bennie before she knows I’m coming.

  Three blocks later, on the corner of Apple and Minor Street, I see it. The large neon sign displays vinyl, luring me in like a homing beacon. Not much has changed aside from the front window display. Adele, Steve Miller Band, Dolly Parton, and Metallica are all pressed against the glass, their price tags hidden.

  There’s no ringing bell when I push the door open, only an electric chime from somewhere in the back. That’s new. I scan the front counter and find no one. The scent of old paper and vinyl hits me, and in this uncertain homecoming, it’s welcoming. I inhale deeply and make my way down the second aisle toward the back when a Van Morrison album catches my attention. Tupelo Honey. It is pristine, perfect, still shrink-wrapped. This should be in the case up front, not filed here in the general population between Morrissey and Motley Crew.

  “Can I help you?” a deep voice asks from behind me.

  I spin, the album clutched to my chest, and find a boy—no, a man—waiting for a reply. He’s got jet-black hair shaved short on the sides, longer and swept back up top. His fair skin looks flawless, like he’s never stepped foot in sunlight. Gray eyes appraise me from beneath thick black lashes. A couple of days’ worth of black stubble speckles the bottom half of his face and frames what looks like an anxious grin. He is a lot of man—wide shoulders and muscled, so tall I feel tiny in his shadow. I can tell he cares about his appearance. His clothes fit impeccably—hugging that body in all the right places. A chunky watch sits on his left wrist, and for some reason, I find it sexy as hell. My gaze is drawn down to his Jack Daniels belt buckle, but I work my way up each pearl snap on his plaid shirt to get back to those eyes.

  “Did you want to buy that?” he asks, pointing to the record I hold, before his thick arms cross over his chest.

  “You’re pretty,” I say. He frowns at me.

  “No, I’m Preston. And that’s Bennie.” His head tips to my left.

  I turn and spot Bennie wearing a smile brighter than the sun. She has that knowing look in her gaze, something she’ll never share. Abandoning the album into Preston’s waiting hands, I hurry around the aisle. Her eyes are glassy, but she’s not a crier. Her hand lifts and sweeps my short bangs to the side before resting on my shoulder.

  “Been a long time.”

  “Yeah,” I answer.

  “You cut all your hair off. And what is that color?”

  “Lavender Blooms.”

  “You look good, Wren.”

  “Thanks. You look thinner. Are you doing that green tea cleanse diet again?”

  “No,” Bennie answers, barely a sound.

  “I came to get my job back, but it looks like you’ve filled the position.”

  “I couldn’t wait forever.”

  I nod and drop my eyes to focus on a crack in the green linoleum floor. Guilt grabs hold of me, and suddenly, I am ashamed for abandoning my sister. Bennie was the one bright spot, and I left her here to fight off small-town assimilation on h
er own. Seeing her unnaturally red hair and patchwork peasant skirt, I guess she did okay.

  “Bring it in, kid.”

  I throw myself at her and wrap my arms around warm, soft, unconditional love and all that is Bennie. Essence oils and hemp shampoo dull my senses as I bury my face in her wild hair. One hand still holds my shoulder while the other cradles the back of my head. I feel that thickness in the back of my throat, the one that means to choke me unless I cry it out. Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallow it back down and refuse to set it free. I can’t stop the one tear that escapes and soaks into her vintage cardigan.

  It’s then that I remember Preston, a stranger, witnessing this reunion. I turn my face toward him, but all I find is an empty aisle and the Van Morrison album back in its place.

  “Three years,” Bennie says. She pulls a Diet Coke from her private stash and opens it before sliding it across the counter to me.

  “Three years,” I confirm. “Doesn’t look like much has changed in this town.”

  She shrugs and stares out the storefront window. “Nothing much ever does. How long will you be staying?”

  “I don’t know yet. I felt like I needed to be here, but there’s a big world waiting for me to explore. So who knows?”

  Bennie frowns, but I can’t give her any more answers than that. I don’t know how long I’ll stay in Crowley, but I do know I won’t be staying. From my spot behind the counter, I watch Preston start with the A’s on the first aisle. He flips through albums, one by one. Every once in a while, he pulls one and places it somewhere else.

  “What’s his story?” I ask, sipping my soda.

  “Wren, you’ve been gone for three years. Our only communication has been random postcards sent along the way with no way to reply or check on you. And now you want to talk about my employee? Why did you come back?”

  I turn to face her, shocked by the strange bite in her voice. “Am I not welcome here?”

  “You’re always welcome here. You know that.” Bennie sighs and places her hand over mine. “I’m really happy to see you. I’m just reeling. I mean…” She stops and waves her hand across my body. “Look at you. All grown up. Purple pixie cut. That stud in your nose. And who knows what else.”

  “You taught me to be myself. Does any of the rest of this matter?” I ask, combing my fingers through my short hair.

  “Not at all. I just want you to be happy. Were you happy out there?”

  My gaze flicks to Preston again, who seems to be stuck in the C’s. I watch him flip through the albums and notice his lips moving.

  “Sometimes.” There is a beat of silence between us. It’s charged with unasked questions and unwanted answers. “What the hell is he doing?”

  Bennie gives me a grin. “He’s very thorough.”

  “At what?”

  “Everything.”

  A late afternoon of dust mites and vinyl and then

  She walks in

  Not just a she as in the female form, but a she as in

  There is nothing else

  This girl stands in vibrant colors and sharp lines against

  A blurred background

  The afternoon sun pushes through glass just to

  Seek her out

  Short hair frames that face like lilac feathers

  A pretty bird

  One look and I have forgotten myself, my habitual habits

  Dropped like baggage at my feet

  She is all appraising eyes and anarchist clothes

  Holding that vinyl

  The delicate way she handles it, fingertips and edges, I know

  She knows records

  Her words say I am pretty, the fire in her gaze

  Says something else

  My body responds, every muscle pulled tight in its

  Effort to stay put

  Like a ghostly hallucination that I often dream of

  She leaves me on aisle two

  I am left holding Tupelo Honey and reeling

  In her wake

  - Preston

  Chapter Two

  Planet Waves

  “Aww. You painted. I loved that color,” I say, stepping through the door into Bennie’s kitchen. The mint-green wall color is gone. In its place is a pale yellow color that seems to make the walls glow like sunshine. Other than the color change, everything is exactly as I remember. Her vintage appliances are still pristine and tucked into their respective corners. The wood table with my name carved underneath sits in the front window nook. Daisy placemats and a large candle decorate the top.

  “Yeah. I just needed a change one day.”

  “Well, I think you should have kept it.” I let my bag fall off my shoulder. It hits the floor with a thud and rolls over.

  “Well, you lost your vote when you left Crowley.”

  I flinch at her jab and lean against the fridge. “Ouch.”

  “Since Preston is in your old apartment, you can take my extra room,” Bennie says. She fills a teakettle with water from the faucet and places it on the stove but doesn’t turn on the burner. “The sheets are clean.”

  “Thanks, Bennie. I won’t be in your way. Promise.”

  “It’s no problem. I have a few boxes of stuff you left behind tucked away in that closet.” She pulls out a chair and takes a seat, gesturing for me to do the same. I sit and kick up my boots on the chair across from me. “I just have a few rules.”

  “Let’s hear them.”

  “Keep out of my room and my bathroom. You know I need my space.”

  “Yeah, I used to think you were meditating or something else admirable. But, I know you’re really reading romance novels and hoarding Mint Milanos.”

  Bennie raises both hands, palms toward me. “It’s true. You’ve discovered my secret. Still, stay out of my room. Got it?”

  I sit up tall and give her a salute. “Aye, aye, captain!”

  “Now, why don’t you get settled in and we’ll go for a birthday drink later.”

  “Uh, your birthday isn’t for three months, Ben.”

  “Not mine. Your birthday, kid. I missed twenty-one. The least you could do is let me buy you a drink now that you’re legal.”

  Grabbing my bag from the floor, I give her a grin. Of course she wants to celebrate that. No more sneaking berry-flavored vodka in water bottles or letting me steal a beer or two from her fridge.

  “I wouldn’t dream of denying you that. Let me unpack and take a shower. I’ve got three days of road dirt covering me.”

  “That’s disgusting,” she says, wrinkling her face. “Be ready by eight.”

  “You’re so bossy.” I stick my tongue out at her before stomping to my room.

  Bennie chuckles as I close the door and lean against it. My room smells like incense and fresh laundry. Cream-colored walls display vintage concert posters. The bed is the one I left behind three years ago. It is a heavy wrought iron, painted white, with a homemade quilt for cover. It’s homey and quaint, and exactly what I expect.

  It feels so strange and familiar being back here. I never thought I’d step foot in this town again, and here I am. Three years is a long time to be on the road. I found myself in plenty of sticky situations and plenty of fun. I always thought I was invincible, strong enough to take on anything. It turns out, it only took one possessive, abusive boyfriend to show me just how little I am in this world. Coming back to find my apartment taken, my job taken; it’s a little surprising. I guess I figured Bennie would handle things on her own. Still, it’s comforting to know that no matter what, she still has a place for me in her life.

  I slip out of my boots and try not to cringe at how militant and out of place they look on the beige rug. They stick out like I do in this small town—hard edges and beat to shit, but still worth something. Dumping my bag out on the bed, I sort through the clothes and pick out what’s clean. My little glass snow globe from Niagara Falls rolls off the mattress and hits the floor. I drop to my knees and pick it up, inspecting it for damage. The snowflakes dance arou
nd in the water, eventually settling over the miniature boat at the bottom.

  Memories flood my head, pictures of that day appearing behind closed eyes. A smile pulls one corner of my mouth up as I remember the sound of crashing water, the mist on my face, and meeting the stranger who would eventually send me running back home. Before my thoughts turn dark, I stand and place the snow globe on my windowsill. The orange and magenta light from a Kansas sunset shines through, turning the snow into gold flakes.

  In the bathroom, I start the shower and let the steam fill the room. I peel off my clothes and study myself in the full-length mirror. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my body. I am thinner now—too thin. I’ve lost the nice round curve of my hips and the fullness in my breasts. I cup each of them and hate how they feel light and unfamiliar. When I release them, they don’t even jiggle like they used to. I frown at my reflection as the shadow of a bruise catches my eye. The blue-and-purple mark taunts me from its place on my ribs. I try to piece together the story of its beginning as I run my hand over it, feeling the heat beneath my fingertips just as the mirror becomes foggy and erases me completely.

  By eight o’clock, I am dressed in my favorite jeans and a too-big T-shirt that hangs off one shoulder. I stole it a while back, from some boy in some town a thousand miles away. I tie a knot in the bottom, letting it hug my waist, and step into my only pair of flats. They are shiny black with silver studs, showing just a little bit of attitude.

  “Wren, let’s go!” Bennie shouts from the kitchen.

  “Coming,” I answer. I grab my wallet and join her near the front door. “I’m assuming we’re going to The Haystack?”

  Bennie turns and gives me a smile that I know will immediately be followed by bullshit.

  “No, hon. Someone opened a great new place just up the road. They play indie music and hire local bands.”

  I roll my eyes and step into the hall, laughing at the absurdity of anything new or cool happening in this town. Preston is there, his key in the doorknob to his apartment—my apartment.

  “Oh, hey, Preston. We’re headed for drinks. Want to join us?” Bennie asks.

  His eyes stay on the door, and he shakes his head. “No, thanks.”